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BREAKING: Uganda Passes Law Banning Opinions After 3-Hour Twitter Space

In an effort to maintain national peace and universal silence, Ugandan officials have passed a law banning all forms of opinion — spoken, typed, whispered, or thought.

Citizens are now required to “shut the hell up unless absolutely necessary,” with violators sentenced to mandatory karaoke performances of government-approved propaganda songs.

Our field reporter was promptly arrested for asking if pineapple belongs on jollof rice.

More on this developing story as soon as the government allows eye contact again.